Who wants others' emotions?
My emotions are worthless to the world. Nobody should want to hear them. They do nobody any good. I know that so I rarely reveal my true feelings to others, and get annoyed when others too inconsiderately hurl some of their more worthless emotions at me. Yet I am still posting shit on the Internet. What am I aiming to achieve? I don’t use social media much, because I feel drowned out in a sea of people… The numbers of followers tell me no one will hear my voice, not to mention care about it. There is the possibility of people disapproving of my message, and I can do without that. Social media is so fake. A hopeless, desperate Sea of L.C.L., … It scares me. That is why I feel slightly more at ease posting here, this unknown, undisturbed little corner of the Internet… Only people who care enough to look, find it, and then explore it will see me. That’s a lot of layers of protections. So… It would seem that I do want people to hear me. Else, why would I still post my useless thoughts on the Internet? Surely I want somebody to find these texts and actually spend time to go over them and try to grasp them. I guess no matter how worthless someone is, they still want others to tell them “no, you worth something to me”. Nobody actively desires to be worthless. It’s an inner drive… So it’s like you don’t actually think you are worthless, but you are too powerless to just stop feeling worthless on your own, so you need others to altruistically affirm your worth. How selfish. That’s me, a selfish pile of trash. And if this pile of trash still gets recognized for what it’s worth, then that person doing the recognition really does love me… I guess that’s what I want. Unconditioned love, which doesn’t exist, is too much to ask of anybody. What am I even doing. What right do I have to ask for love when I rarely give out love to others? But the few persons dear to me do seem to think I am a very loving person. I do treat them well and love them. I guess maybe it just feels insufficient in my heart. I ought to love my loved ones more. It’s just this feeling. But it seems others think I am doing enough? Quite well? So is it the case that I actually love people a lot that I can’t deal with it? I hope that is the case; at least it is better than not loving people enough. If that is true, then my sense of isolation and alienation from others all stem from my thirst to connect with and understand them. I am afraid of loving what I love because I am afraid of not being loved back enough, that seems to be a common theme running through the story of my life. I feel happy when I connect with people. I guess you can’t really be a misanthrope while feeling that kind of emotion.